Self-isolating himself from all forms of news and media, local man Ganni Sammut has claimed the only thing he’s sick from is hearing about the coronavirus, this portal can confirm.

“Panic, don’t panic, panic again; I’m sick to f*****g death hearing about this stupid  flu,” Sammut began, briefly removing earmuffs and a blindfold he had on to avoid any contamination from the news, “I don’t care how many people in Malta, Italy or the rest of the effin’ world have it, nor do I need some idiot television campaign telling me how to wash my f*****g hands”.

The 45-year-old is just one of thousands of unbothered people desperate to hear about anything that’s not coronavirus related, citing a basic knowledge and understanding of the modern-day media as the instigator in all of this.

“Give me a world ending asteroid or a nuclear war anyday over this,” Sammut added, referring to the good old days when the news relied on war and celestial objects hurtling at the earth to incite an existential fear, “I used to like social media, now I can’t even open my phone”.

Over the past ten years, scary pandemic stories have been the go-to item of choice for boosting dwindling news figures.

“We had bird flu, H1N1 swine flu, Ebola, but finally the media got exactly what they wanted with the coronavirus; a total and utter state of newspaper selling panic,” he went on, retiring under his duvet, “just let me know when you bunch of idiots have copped on a bit and stopped trying to be experts on all this bullshit, thanks”.

source: waterfordwhispers.com