- Maintain your inner calm at all times. If someone in your vicinity starts talking utter shite about catching the virus from a Chinese takeaway, take a deep breath and walk away.
- Don’t let thinking about the virus distract you from other potential threats that are more likely to harm you e.g. road traffic, excessive alcohol consumption, or indeed everything else.
- Try not to travel to quarantined Chinese cities. If you think you may end up in a quarantined Chinese city by accident, please check your grip on reality.
- Consider buying your next iPhone on the high street, and not on eBay for less than $200 from a seller called ExelentFoneUMustShopin and delivered in up to six weeks with a free bat-skin case.
- Avoid eating cats, snakes and bats. Dogs, hedgehogs and squirrels are currently safe for consumption
- Don’t tell your local Chinese takeaway his meals are unsafe. You will find there are worse things than catching a virus
- If you suddenly get a sore throat, hot flushes & start choking, and then followed by acute diarrhoea, first consider how strong was that Phaal Curry you just finished
- If you are of Oriental extraction, wearing a face-mask on public transport may well be badly misinterpreted by your fellow commuters.
- Refrain from sexual intimacy with ducks (unless you are another duck).
- Always disinfect chopsticks, especially after playing drums with them on a little waiter’s head, or before pretending they are extra-long Dracula fangs, or after making your Vietnamese housemaid eat her daily meal of peas with them.
- Do not cook in a wok under any circumstances. Use a frying pan instead and accept your stir-fries will lack authenticity until the all clear is sounded.
Don’t eat off Willow Pattern plates
- Do not practise Tai Chi, Feng Shui or watch Kung Fu Panda
- Disinfect all Ming vases in your house
- Don’t drink lemonade from the 1970s
- Do not stare at the sun during a total eclipse