Depending whether you’ve been naughty or nice you’ll hopefully be enjoying your Christmas presents delivered by Santa Claus, who by all accounts has played a blinder once again this year.
However, all may not be well as reports suggest the jovial man in the fur-trimmed red suit, big black boots and woolly beard might just be thinking of hanging up his hat.
Proposed new regulations could see Santa having to make significant changes to his delivery methods to conform with new stringent gas emission targets. It’s understood that every year his reindeer consistently exceed these figures as a result of consuming all the carrots left out for them by children around the globe.
In addition, beefed-up modifications to the stowage area on his sleigh are said to be extremely expensive but necessary after several large and heavy items have fallen to earth during deliveries. Most notably Boris Johnson’s bonuses and dividends from his portfolio of financial investments.
Languishing in front of a roaring log fire, Santa has held his first interview since delivering the 2019 Christmas presents across the planet. Clutching a single malt handed to him by Mrs Claus, he waved his arms expansively.
‘The logistics are ho-ho-horrible, and what’s more I’m getting no younger,’ he said, pointing out that he has to double back on himself numerous times to keep up with the rotation of the Earth. ‘It requires a lot of planning and international cooperation – you try overflying Russia without the right bribes – sorry, visas. Then with these new regs to consider, to tell you the truth I don’t know if I really want to struggle on in this game much longer.’
‘Still though, I’m not trying to deliver Brexit. At least delivering 7.3 billion presents to 1.7 billion children in a 12-hour time period is just about doable and thankfully a lot less demanding than working a full shift in an Amazon distribution depot,’ he added.