Demia: General Caruana Galizia, I thank you for accepting to meet me for this interview. Can I call you Daphne?
Daphne: Sure, no problem. It is only Simon Busuttil that cannot be called ‘Simon’.
Demia: Wow! You surely have many medals on your chest. What do they represent?
Daphne: This gold one with the blue ribbon is for my reverence towards the Nationalist Party. This star-shaped one is for my excellent manipulative skills. This small one with the green ribbon is for my inherent hatred towards anything or anyone who is Labour. This round one with the red ribbon is for my exceptional skills at inventing stories to damage the Labour Party. This new one is for my success in tarnishing Malta’s reputation across the world.
Demia: So, tell me, which is your favourite celebration?
Daphne: Undoubtedly, Christmas.
Demia: Why is that?
Daphne: It is because I love getting presents from people.
Demia: What presents did you get last year?
Daphne: Well, Dr Simon Busuttil gave me his calculator so now he is making a mess of financial projections. Marlene Farrugia gave me a Labour Party handkerchief which I threw away immediately. My husband bought me a new dinner set because the one I had was missing some plates. Beppe Fenech Adami gave me a magnifying glass so that I can find him when he is around. Claudette Pace gave me one of her compact discs which I use as a coaster for my coffee mug. Giovanna Debono gave me a suit which did not fit her anymore but it did not fit me either. Kristy Debono gave me a shampoo which she uses to revitalize her hair but my hair still looks just as bad as hers. Arnold Cassola gave me a chamomile plant from which I make my infusions. David Agius gave me a photocopier which I have been using a lot to copy labour proposals. Tonio Fenech gave me an Arlogg tal-Lira because he has many of those. Edwin Vassallo gave me a set of bathroom carpets. Paula Mifsud Bonnici sent me some sms s like the ones she used to send to Justyne Caruana. Francis Zammit Dimech gave me a laugh in a bottle. Ann Fenech gave me a dozen Pastizzi tas-Serkin.
Demia: So tell me, do you get on well with everybody from the Nationalist Party?
Daphne: No dear. I have problems with Marlene Farrugia because she wants to snatch away my leash on Dr Simon Busuttil.
Demia: I heard that you managed to get your name in the Book of World Records. Tell me about it.
Daphne: Oh yes. I am the person most sweared at. I even managed to beat Benito Mussolini!
Demia: Did this Electoral Campaign have any surprises for you?
Daphne: Yes, my biggest surprise was how gullible the Maltese electorate is. They believe all the stories which I invent to inflict damage to the Labour Party, with particular emphasis on the Prime Minister.
Demia: I want to make a guess with this question. Your new favourite colour is now brown. Correct?
Daphne: Brown? Of course not. My favourite colour was, is and will always be blue.
Demia: Oh no. Your favourite colour must be brown now.
Daphne: Why is that?
Demia: Well, blue does not exist anymore in your case. Now you have a mix of blue and orange which are complementary to each other so they give brown. So now, you like brown. See?
Daphne: You must be joking. Who said that Marlene could ever complement anyone from the PN. With Marlene and the PN it is just a matter of uniting against one common enemy – Joseph Muscat!
Demia: I generally like to make this question. Which is your favourite food?
Daphne: Sfineg ta’ San Guzepp, because they remind me of how I fried Dr Guzeppi Muscat with the Egrant allegations.
Demia: Which food would you never eat?
Daphne: Humble pie!