The ABC-Z of Maltese politics

The following is the start of the compilation of a new political glossary. Read at your own peril. Any resemblance to living, livid or long-forgotten bigots is truly fortuitous.

A. Audit. This word used to mean something straightforward before one politician, who promised the world a new order, turned it into a bit of fun. Now audit stands for getting a foreigner you have never heard about to check something hidden which was never meant to be found out.

B. Bannister. Sometimes used to stop people falling when climbing up steps or to hold on to for balance and straightforward walking. Now a name for longevity, shadiness and a thorough and proper study in good governance.

C. Caqnu. A name now forgotten as other bigger developers have taken centre stage. Nowadays known mainly for a quality beer and a quality zoo.

D. Development. Easily and beautifully confused with environment. The more the island develops into an aesthetic disaster and a towering mess, the more money the developers make and the more money is magically pumped back into the development fund of the Labour Party and its cronies.

E. Eva Peron. This is a woman who was not Maltese so should not grace this dictionary of local political sorts. But the Argentinian legend could easily be upstaged by her own Graceful Excellency the most beloved, be-sequined, be-hennaed, benevolent First Lady Michelle.

F. Fake vs Fraud. Till some time ago these words were derogatory. Now with a fake smile and a few fraudulent promises anyone can turn his life from a near nobody into a holy-sounding, electable prime minister.

G. Gasan, Tumas. A man who walked and talked tall amongst the leading lights of anything Maltese. Towering over all others, helping Malta become the true giant it really is. Helping in no small measure the resurgence of our energies. This is Millennium Man who built the best things since Ġgantija and the other piddling temples.

H. Hell. An oft-touted axiom is that everything is relevant. If you follow the local news, especially the PN-owned media, Malta is Hell itself, with demons running amok all over. If you however watch TVM and the rest of the Labour mouthpieces you realise that we still live in Hell. But we’re rich, so who the hell cares?

I. iGaming. A true mainstay of our economy. Very dependable and strong foundation for the country which many pundits bet will last beyond forever. Anyone who dares say that this economic behemoth is a bit of a gamble on our success is a true and proper traitor.

J. Joseph, a Messiah, a Maltese Moses called Muscat. Gatherer of all men (and women) in a movement that moved mountains, saved banks, built an economy and finally put Malta on the map. Great salesman and helmsman of the century.

K. Kasco & Konrad: KK Incorporated. Not sure yet where they are incorporated as invisible audit of invisible accounts still to be finalised in a distant and unreal future. KK, our men at Castille, buddy buddies of our venerable and laudable prime minister.

L. Labour Party. Once referred to as socialist, social democratic, workers’ party or just plain Mintoffian. Also used to rally round a slogan of “Malta l-ewwel u qabel kollox” (Malta first and foremost). All this is now debunked, binned and turned into the more middle-class friendly mantra of “Money, First & Foremost”.

M. Ministers. Some believe these do really exist while others believe they are extinct, transparent and vocally deficient. Deficient too in many other areas especially anything connected to spine, uprightness and grey matter. What matters is that what Joseph the Messiah decrees the ministerial sheep obey.

N. Never-Never land. The PN still thinks that their time in power was the country’s golden age.

O. Opposition. Never in the history of the country even back when men were giants and all Maltese lived in the temples of Ġgantija and other big developments has there been a more negative, obstructionist and useless opposition.

But the PN, a party in tatters long consigned to the garbage heap of the islands, has magical powers to influence and hypnotise big majorities in the European Parliament and the foreign media. The nefarious PN also mesmerises the head of Malta’s church, Charles Scicluna the Little, leading him to issue statements about the rape of the environment and good governance.

P. Panama Papers(PP). Sshhh these never really existed and are only a figment of a fertile imagination of the insane woman from Bidnija. Constant talk of this Panamanian untruth proves how negative the PN is.

Q. Quality living. From a third world nonentity Malta is now a 7-star country with all going perfectly right for it. Cleanliness, traffic management, high-rise living, sunshine, you name it the country has loads of it. And all this since the local Messiah, Joseph be praised, descended from the heavens above.

R. Roads overhaul. Another incredibly transparent concept as no one knows what’s going on and what will happen if the surge in car importation goes on unabated. The much heralded road map to solve the traffic problem is now also completely invisible.

S. Scandal. A word much abused in these last years. As a perfect place for all things good and hale, Malta is benefitting from super good governance, so much so that all wrong is done out in the open with no holds barred. And no one gets caught or if caught you are given a very cushy position in some other government organisation. All is done in the open with no investigation necessary. The new adage is too many scandals so disregard any new one.

T. Transparency. All things that should be in the public domain like contracts with shady countries and bank guarantees by government are now kept nicely hidden. This is called the new transparency—so transparent that no one can see the details.

U. Unemployment. This is a word that used to exist in the PN times but is now banished in any lexicon connected to Labour. All records of employment have been broken with the number of employees added to the public purse reaching stratospheric numbers.

V. Valletta. A city built by gentlemen for cranes, smells, garbage and dodgy clubs and fast-food outlets. From a city with hardly any outdoor seating to a city with outdoor seating taking over the city itself.

W. Witchcraft. The kind of which, according to legend, is conjured from the land of Bidnija. Scourge of various Labour personalities and switchers. Concocting a variety of spells including scooping all sorts of lies and gobbling up of children and other humans.

X. X-ray of the country. Very resilient body, made up of nothing but money, fame and power.

Y. Yes-men. Yes all Malta truly loves these. They are sometimes also referred to as ministers, parliamentary secretaries and Labour backbenchers. Their fine Musketeering ethos is all contained in their slogan of: “All for our premier and none for us.”

Z. ZZZ. A noise usually emitted when one sleeps soundly. The untroubled sleep of people in the finance world, tourism, architecture, and anyone who should be wide awake screaming out against anything that goes against good governance. While Malta flourishes people who should stand up and be counted dance to their own subdued lullaby.